Mindful Expat Episode 34: Recognizing & Guarding Against Destructive Patterns in Relationships

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What you’ll hear in this episode:

• How not all issues in relationships can be completely resolved, but how this may actually be ok — we just need to learn how to manage them!
• Some problematic patterns that couples can fall into (what John Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” — criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling — because in his research these variables have been used to predict divorce with impressive accuracy) — and how to shift away from these into healthier, more productive dynamics with your partner
• Some specific examples of how you can word things to address problems that may come up in relationships.  Read More

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the (Marital) Apocalypse

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couples 1If two people stay together long enough, they are bound to have some conflicts, some issues or topics that cause discord, some negative patterns.

Maybe he doesn’t pick up after himself.

Or maybe she doesn’t make as much time for him in her busy schedule as he would like.

Maybe they have different ideas for how to discipline their kids. Or handle their finances. Or how often they’d like to have sex.

While many of these issues may be resolvable, some may not be. And — news flash — that’s actually ok! The fact that not all conflicts get resolved doesn’t necessarily mean doom and gloom for a relationship. The question is not whether all the issues are ultimately completely resolved but rather how well a couple learns to manage them — and to nurture their relationship in spite of the residual issues that crop up from time to time. Read More